I think maybe living here in the quiet of the mountains is changing me. I don't know. But I hope so. Sure, it gets a little lonely but lonely isn't all bad. I feel as if the air is clearing some of the cobwebs in my head, helping me to see things more clearly.
I notice things about myself I haven't noticed before. Not all good, but not all bad. I know that my time living here is going to be brief but I am grateful for the rest and healing and growing I am experiencing here in the quiet, the stillness, the solitude.
One of the things I am learning about myself is that I crave security. I want to know that things are going to be the same today as they were yesterday. From what I have read I guess that is pretty normal. Especially for women. I won't beat myself up for that.
But what I don't like is how I let that craving for security interfere with my trust in God. I don't like how I try to control or manipulate my circumstances to create a false sense of security. I don't like how my first reaction to change is always fear or worry or anger.
But this mountain air is changing me. Or maybe it is age. I don't know. But I see now that life will never be secure here on this earth. The security I crave will always elude me here. It is something I will only find when I move on to my real home.
And, knowing that, I feel secure. I feel safe. This life seems to be a never-ending series of twists and turns. Just when it seems we have it figured out we are faced with a new decision. An unexpected change. But that is life here on this earth.
But I am slowly, and painfully, learning to rest in the security of trusting Jesus. Instead of worrying, planning, and plotting, I find myself simply trusting. When a new twist in the road appears I am learning to just say, "I trust you.". I am not going to keep listing all of my concerns over and over, as if saying them to Him one more time will change anything. I am simply going to trust Him.
I trust Him with my past.
I trust Him with my future.
And I trust Him today.
Right here. In the mountains. Even though it is temporary, I trust Him.
And I am grateful for this time to learn and grow. Right here in the quiet of the only place I know that never changes.