It is so strange because when the pain is so sharp like this I just want it to go away. I can't stand it because it hurts so much. But when it does leave me I panic because I am afraid I am forgetting her. I have accepted that this is the way life will be for me. I will have it both ways. It will come in waves and that is okay. When I am standing in the calm I will enjoy this life that I have now and when I am knocked over flat on my back I will allow myself to remember and grieve and reflect. And then I will stand up again.
This week has been one of those weeks for me when I am trying to get back up but I keep getting pulled back under water. God has been such a comfort to me though. I believe with all my heart that he sends me little gifts when I am open to seeing them. Like my butterfly sightings. I have seen several in the past few weeks. One was on the hayride at the reunion when I was feeling her absence so much and a butterfly lingered by the side of the wagon for a moment and I knew she was not so far away. Also when we were eating with family in her special gazebo and I saw several butterflies fluttering in the flowers and I pictured her in Heaven dancing and playing with her cousins and grandparents and , who knows, maybe a sister or brother.
Another way I am comforted is through my dreams. Sometimes Emma is in my dreams but it is not really her the way I remember her and I wake up feeling a little upset. But other times, like last night, I dream of her the way she was. Just a normal day with feedings, cuddling, watching teletubbies, laughing, rolling around on the floor... and I wake up feeling her so very close. Today I carry a special memory of a day shared with my special girl and it is such a warm and cozy feeling. I will enjoy it to its fullest.
I am not into analyzing dreams but I have to believe that these ones are a special sign from my comforter that He is near and so is she. Heaven is closer than we think. I am just one breath, one dream away from eternity. Or one blink of my eye...
"You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes - it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed." I Corinthians 15:52
But until then, I will see you in my dreams sweet butterfly princess.