Thursday, May 29, 2008

What I Know (Day 12)

It seems like so many little ones have gone on to Heaven before us lately. I'm sure it is no more than usual but I guess these ones have touched my life. It is so hard to understand why this has to happen. I don't have any answers. My friend, Sumi, is grieving the loss of her little Jenna. I have been following the blog of Angie, whose husband sings in Selah, and they were only able to spend two hours with their Audrey. Just yesterday I read that another member of Selah, Nicol Sponberg, found her two month old Luke in his crib, gone from SIDS. And little Maria Chapman.

So much loss. How does God expect us to bear it? Why does He ask so much from us? We give Him nothing less than our very lives but He still demands more. Why is my all not enough? There are no words to describe the pain of burying your child. The person that you poured yourself into day after day, not because you had to but because it was your joy. And they're gone in one breath. And you are left with nothing but pain and so many questions.

I read a quote that the pastor of Steven Curtis Chapman shared with the family following Maria's death. He said,"You should hold on to what you know in the midst of a crisis, because the temptation is to hold on to what you don't know."

I wish someone would have said that to me. It is so true. I did ask so many questions and I was so angry at times because I could not find the answers. There is nothing wrong with asking questions but when there are no answers it only leads to more questions and more doubt. I am so glad that at some point I just gave up with the questions and found my strength in what I know.

I don't know why Emma had to go but I know where she is.
I don't know why she had to suffer but I know she is whole now.
I don't know how I will get through tomorrow but I know that I will.
I know that God's compassion never fails.
I know that He will hold me up.
I know that His mercies are new every morning.
I know that He is faithful.
I know that He has a future and a hope for me.
I know that He has forgiven me.
I know that He is my good shepherd.
I know that He loves me with an unfailing love.
I know He will not give me more than I can handle with His grace.
I know that His thoughts are too vast for me to comprehend.
I know that He asks me to trust Him and He will make a way.
I know that He will not allow my foot to slip.
I know that He knows every hair on my head.
I know that He is singing over me.
I know that He will renew my strength.
I know that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
I know that He holds me in His hand and He will not let me go.
I know that there is nothing that can seperate me from His love.
I know that He paid the price so that I wouldn't have to.
I know that He has overcome the world.
I know that He has conquered death.
I know that He has prepared a place for me and I will live there with the ones I love for all eternity.

What I know far outweighs the things I don't. What I know is what is holding me up today. If I could talk to all of these mothers who have had to bury their babies I would say, "I know it doesn't seem as if you can face one more day but I also know that He is there, crying with you, holding you in His arms, whispering a song into your heart. Someday you will hear it. I know you will. Just hold on to what you know."


Unknown said...

I always want to comment on your post, but never know what to say. Your posts are always so thoughtful and wonderfully honest. Thank you for your candidness. I just think you are such an amazing person! God is using you to touch so many lives (including mine).

Thanks for asking how it is going – I haven’t posted in so long it feels like. We have been extremely busy lately (trying to keep our minds off the wait). We are praying about some exciting things that we think God has in the work…

We are 9.5 weeks post-referral. No word on when we will file…praying it is soon.

Praying for you and your family.

With love,

Erika said...

I have been completely emotionally overwhelmed trying to comprehend recent tragedies like the loss of the precious children you mentioned in your blog along with the immense suffering of the people in China and Myanmar in this last month. My heart aches so much and I feel so helpless. I never really thought I was asking God "why" things happen (because I know I cannot attempt to fathom why)...but, perhaps I am wondering - underneath it all - how can we get through this life with this suffering? Why does it have to be this hard?
I wanted to thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to read. Actually, I have been reading your blog often because your thoughts give me encouragement and a much needed perspective - especially in recent weeks. Thanks for being so open. We are blessed to be able to read the transcription of your heart.