Monday, May 19, 2008

Day Five

I had a great weekend with my sister-in-law and two nieces and Allie. We, along with a group from my church, went to Women of Faith. It was such a good time of learning, worshipping, and laughing. I was able to take my mind off all of the adoption stuff and just have a good time. It felt nice and normal.

I have noticed lately that I have been able to focus more than I did two years ago. I don't know if I can explain it. For the first two years after Emma died I struggled with the smallest decisions. If someone asked me a question like where I wanted to eat I would verge on panic almost. I would second guess every decision I made, so scared that I had made a mistake. If I was in a group of people I couldn't keep up with the conversation because my mind couldn't process everything going on, so I would just shut down. I was so confused most of the time. I recently watched the DVD of the funeral service and it was like I was there for the first time. I had no memory of over half of it. And I thought I had done so well at the time. I guess I was in shock.

Anyway, I realized this weekend how far I have come. I was standing there in that group of people and I was not anxious. I was engaged in what was happening and my mind was so clear. I was in charge of our group and got everyone there and back in one piece and I made several decisions. Wow! That is real progress for me. Those who have spent time with me in the past couple of years know what I am talking about.

I wish I could say that I am totally happy about this. I feel sad because anytime I notice progress I feel as if I am one step further away from my Emma and I want to take the words back. I don't want to be better if it means I am leaving her behind. I am saying the words though, and I am not taking them back because I know better now. I know that she is a part of me. There is no way I could leave her behind because she has gone on before me. She is not in my past, but in my future. She is calling me forward, cheering me on, smiling at my victories; because she knows where I am heading and she doesn't want to see ME left behind.

Don't worry, baby girl, I am following your lead. I am moving forward at my own pace and I am so thankful to have you waiting for me, loving me, blowing me kisses in the wind, and sending me sweet messages on butterfly wings. I love you with all my heart...

Thought for the Day: Day Five

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,

where moth and rust destroy,

and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven,

where moth and rust do not destroy,

and where thieves do not break in and steal.

For where your treasure is,

there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21 (my Emma verses)

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