I know it has been too long since I last posted. I have had so many things on my mind this past week. Sometimes it is hard to sort it out and write about it. I tend to be a perfectionist so the idea of posting my random and confusing thoughts just doesn't make sense to me. I am still working it out in my mind but I will attempt to put it in words.
There is so much happening in the world of Vietnam adoptions right now. Every day when I log onto my email and read all of the updates and comments I am filled with dread and anxiety. I know the simple solution would be to ignore it all and stop reading but then I would be ignorant, and I certainly don't want to bury my head in the sand. I am also trying to balance the reality of what I read with my faith that God is working in my life and in Anna's life. It is a turbulent time for us.
Through all of this, I do have a strange peace. I know it is a gift from God and I thank Him daily for it. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have come to some conclusions of where that peace comes from. I remember when we started this adoption process and I felt a sense of guilt that maybe I was trying to replace Emma, or maybe she would be replaced in our hearts. Allie even struggled with this. I also worried that it was too soon after Emma's death and we would not be able to parent Anna in the way she needed us. It bothered me that we would have a child who would never know her sister. There was a part of me that wondered if all of these things should keep us from pursuing this dream.
Time has marched on and time always seems to give us answers if we wait long enough. I have received some of the answers and I am still waiting for others. One of the things I have become very aware of recently is that my fears of replacing Emma are gone. I have been so amazed at how the lives of these two precious girls are intertwined. I feel like I can't even begin to explain this but I will try.
I worried that my grief would be a barrier to fully loving another child, but my grief has made me so aware of how precious her life is. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel for her. I believe my heart was made ready for this child because it was broken. Emma's life and death prepared my heart to love this child and, in the same way, this child has mended my heart in so many ways. I have reached out in faith and loved even when I didn't think I could, and I found that the capacity to love never reaches its limit. The well runs deep and there is always more there when you search for it.
I have also seen their lives intertwined in the way my faith has grown. Emma's life brought my faith to life in new and wonderful ways and her death tested that faith. I came through with my faith in tact and even stronger, and now that faith is holding me together as we face new tests and trials in Anna's life. Just as I had to let go of my hold on Emma and give her back to God, I daily release Anna to Him. She belongs to Him and I have to trust He will do what is best for her. I would not have chosen for Emma to die but it was His plan for her, and I trust His plan for Anna. I hope we are in that plan, but I want what is best for her and only He knows. I have had to give them both back to their true Father and , in the end, that is where I find my peace.
There are so many more parallels that I don't have the time to explain in one post but I hope you get the picture. These two sisters may not know each other on this earth but their lives have touched each other in so many ways. I believe they are sisters in the truest sense of the word and when they see each other in eternity they will know each other by heart.
Lest you think I have forgotten their other sister, please have no fears. Allison is the glue that holds them together. She is our joy and she keeps us going with her love of life, her passion for God, and her beautiful spirit. She makes me smile and reminds me to take it one day at a time. I am so grateful for each day I spend with her. Who wouldn't be?
Allison Anne, Emmalynne Susan, and Anna Grace- Sisters by Heart